The reasoning is that security and passions are different human needs that are underpinned by different motives. Still, they generally do not take place simultaneously. Perel believes that love and desire are not mutually exclusive. Healthy relationships often require both desire and security. However, people are often left disappointed on both ends of the spectrum. Either people are romantics who desire intensity and adventure over stability or realists who value security over passions. Perel describes two viewpoints where people can stand in a relationship. Hence, desire typically fades as relationships lengthen. It is easy to see that desire often fades as security increases in a relationship.
Importantly, Esther Perel explains that it is impossible. Hence, humans struggle to lust with the same person that they seek comfort and stability. However, security and excitement are challenging to combine. As well as having a propensity for security, we also have an equally strong drive for adventure and excitement. We often make this decision based on the security associated with this relationship, rather than our sexual drive. As a result, most humans commit to long-term monogamous relationships. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” - Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. StoryShot #1: The Quest for Security Undermines Erotic Vitality
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